Ballad of Billy Mays

IUS Horizon

ScottWEB
Scott Gillespie
A long, long time ago, I can still remember how that infomercial used to make me smile.

And I knew if it wouldn’t get clean with Shout, that OxiClean could get that stain out,

And grandma would be happy for a while.

But June 28 made me shiver…

with every post I read on Twitter.

Bad news I read on Facebook…

I couldn’t take one more look.

I can’t remember if I cried when I read about his widowed bride, but something touched me deep inside…. the day… when Billy Mays died.

So bye bye loud, bearded infomercial guy.

Let’s all get together and we’ll share a good cry.

Singin’ Billy Mays was a hell of a guy…

Billy was a hell of a guy.

Did you buy the NeverScrub, and did you watch the Mighty Putty dub?

You did if Billy told you so.

Do you believe in Orange Glo? Can Billy save you mortal soul?

And can the Gopher reach for things….real slow?

Well I know Mighty Putty can fix a chair, and OxiClean will whiten your underwear.

Mighty Mendit will fix your clothes, and the WashMatik doesn’t need to use a hose.

I used the Gopher to grab my Darth Vader cup.

And I know the Turbo Tiger can suck it up.

But I just could not cheer up… The day when Billy Mays died.

I started singin’ bye bye loud bearded infomercial guy.

Let’s all get together and we’ll share a good cry.

Singin’ Billy Mays was a hell of a guy…

Billy was a hell of a guy.

And in the streets honey bees screamed… as the Flies Away trapped all their queens.

But not a word was spoken… as Mighty Putty fixed all that was broken.

And the loud man I admire most:

That bearded infomercial host.

He bumped his head flying to the coast, and the next day Billy died.

And we were singin’ bye bye loud bearded infomercial guy.

Let’s all get together and we’ll share a good cry.

Singin’ Billy Mays was a hell of a guy…

Billy was a hell of a guy.

By SCOTT GILLESPIE
Editor
tsgilles@ius.edu