I write this essay with $14 to my name, a pantry full of ramen noodles and the blackest coffee with a splash of Bailey’s by my side.

I haven’t slept in two days. I don’t know what I’m doing in life. I honestly have no clue how I got this far in college. I suppose the premise of this essay is to differentiate myself from others; however, I’m just like any other college student writing to you.

See, college is like a four-year hangover. My head hurts most of the time. My mind is constantly foggy and disoriented. I stay dehydrated. The feeling of regret is overwhelming. This scholarship is the cure to help me get through the hangover that college has forced me to endure.

With that said, my slightly average achievements and GPA make me a perfect candidate for this scholarship. I most certainly should be awarded for being average. People don’t take average people into consideration sometimes. I mean we try and try to succeed, but we always end up coming to the realization that we’re just, eh.

I also find it extremely narcissistic to ‘sell myself’ by exaggerating mediocre achievements like the time I graduated at the top of my class in high school. Except I always leave out the part that I went to an alternative high school and only 10 people were in my class – most of which ended up staying another year.

My volunteer experience is nonexistent because I’m actually a terrible person. I could lie and tell you how in-tune I am with my community, but that would probably make me an even more terrible person.

I don’t manage my finances well, which is why I am in this predicament of asking you for money in the first place. Like I said, $14 to my name.

I also don’t have a sob story that pinpoints a pivotal moment in my life. I have never had any traumatic experiences up to this point in my life, besides the fact that I have crippling depression and anxiety that make me believe that I actually have had such experiences.

I regret not having struggled through life because this would have been a wonderful opportunity to elaborate upon that. But instead, my life is just as average as my GPA.

I guess this is the point in the essay where I’m supposed to harp on how great your organization is even though I’ve never heard of it until now. So, congratulations organization that’s been around for 500 years and has helped the community in ways I never will.

In conclusion, I need money to pay for my education. I could have told you that in one sentence, but you put a word count in the application.

College is expensive. Help. K Thx Bye.