Writing social commentary about something funny is a lot harder than it looks. Columns don’t write themselves.
Did that lead grab your attention? Good.
We’re given about a weeks notice that we will need a column by Friday, when The Horizon is assembled.
Of course, it takes about a week to think of a subject.
This breaks down to about one-third talking with fellow students and two-thirds waiting until Friday at noon to actually write the column.
However, understand that we have the big responsibility of balancing snarky comments with levity and seriousness of matters such as wheezing printers, a rocking chair or FarmVille.
It’s also huge pressure to also be able to describe the Man Rules. You don’t want to get those wrong.
Right about now, you bring up the administration, comparing them to The Empire in “Star Wars,” or how the doughnuts on the ledge outside of Crestview Hall, room 209, are multiplying like Tribbles in “Star Trek.”
Sometimes, you even point out that too many people give unrolled pennies in the drive-through at banks.
Seriously, who has that much change these days?
Take a breath and eat a bacon doughnut. Let’s start again.
OK, at this point, we bring up percentages on the current enrollment at IU Southeast and get a quote from Seuth Chaleunphonh, dean of Student Life and acting director of Residence Life and Housing, because we just like quoting him about everything.
We also like to spell out his name because it takes up so much space.
I should point out that I agreed with the pajama faux pas that C.J. Daniels, editor, pointed out last week.
Now, that was a column.
Let’s bring up pick-up lines. Why not? The best pick-up line I ever got was “have you ever been to a country-western karaoke bar?”
What a douchbag, huh? Or maybe it’s douchebag. We’re not sure.
Speaking of karaoke, we can take a musical interlude with a quick song about the late Billy Mays, in the tune of Don McLean’s “American Pie.”
Let’s get serious.
I should really bring up healthcare or maybe the finer points of beer and the etiquette of getting drunk.
Both are pretty important.
Possibly write a sentence that could be used as a pull-quote in case of too much gray space on the page, pulling a few points together and creating a segue to the end of the column.
Let’s totally talk about some Haiti too. Because, like, it’s a really important issue that’s totally important for everybody.
This might be a great time to bring up Jimmy John’s.
But when isn’t a good time to bring up Jimmy John’s? The answer is never.
While procrastinating, you end up writing a column on procrastination or write an inside joke between editors that no one else gets.
Seriously, just do it.
I probably need to put another smart-ass comment about administration here. Boy, I’m on a roll.
The SGA is amending bills. Wait, what do they do again?
An editor asked them to do nothing, but I say keep going.
There’s obviously nothing to do that’s cheap around here for college students.
I’m going to leave Eric McGuffin’s columns out of this.
He roots UK and writes about NCAA, but I could bring up the fighting Grenadiers of the IUS men’s basketball team and the idea of sportsmanship.
Wait, you probably read about that earlier.
So, it’s time to wrap it up.
I should put in a quote here from someone dead and famous.
Perhaps I should mention the importance of education or, wait, what are the Core Values of IU Southeast again?
I should probably leave out education from the mission statement.
Let’s go with a quote from Dr. Seuss. It’s more fitting.
One more smart-ass comment about the administration to make a total of three, and I leave the last sentence to be the most thought-provoking and philosophical point of the column.
But, like the former editor Greg Dassell said, “Nobody cares about that shit.”
By JESSICA MEYER
Editor
jessmeye@umail.iu.edu
