1. Explain why the word “education” is not in our vision statement because, let’s face it, we’ll have none of that around here.
2. We will be expanding Athletics to include boxing once the basketball season is done.
3. Show them the nice posters highlighting the Core Values in University Center. Try not to snicker at the hypocrisy.
4. Have them stay in the dorms while they are here. There should be one recently-flooded room available.
Force the others in that dorm not to cook anything for two days.
5. If you see an NCA member pick up The Horizon, swat it out of their hands.
6. Insist all questions or requests for information go through the Office of Communications, then hand them the contact information.
7. Have all the professors wear a business suit. Good luck with that.
If they won’t, insist they wear their name tags. Adjuncts may wear a silly hat.
8. Explain, in simple terms, the General Education requirements. Good luck with that, too.
9. Bring up that the IUS Business School is ranked No. 2, and immediately start making comparisons between IU Southeast and Harvard.
10. Show how IU Southeast supports student activities even though the students are paying more in Student Activity Fees and only Athletics and the Children Center get more money than they did 10 years ago.
11. Find a dead cat. Swing it around to show you can swing a dead cat and not hit a general studies major or an adjunct. Notice we didn’t mention education, because we will have none of that around here.
12. Show them the tattoo of the Core Values you were forced, er, wanted placed on your forehead.
13. Carefully explain why a program with more than 90 majors has only two full-time faculty members because someone in administration had her feelings hurt.
14. Offer to buy them a nice peanut butter and jelly sandwich if they get hungry outside of the prescribed times. Fools.
15. Show them the story in The Horizon about the soon-to-be-expanded sports complex.
IU Southeast is a sports-centered school, considering how much money it contributes to the bottom line. We wouldn’t need more classrooms or offices since that would imply education, and we’ll have none of that around here.
16. Please, oh please, keep them away from the Game Room and its smell.
17. Say how pretty campus is, but keep them out of the buildings if it’s raining. Definitely do not let them see the trash cans for catching rain in Crestview Hall.
18. Offer them a smoke.
19. If they try to use a stall in one of the restrooms, quickly paint it first.
The Horizon understands there may be more than 10 items in this 10 Ways to…, but considering how education isn’t in the vision statement, no one bothered to take any math classes. The Horizon apologizes for this oversight.