I wish I could walk down an aisle of the grocery store and pick out a guy the same way I can walk down an aisle and pick out a frozen pizza. 

Now that I think about it, guys are kind of like pizza.

Some are thin (crust) and some thick. Some are just gross and too much to handle, like supreme pizzas, and some are amazing and concise like pepperoni.

My perfect pizza is a pepperoni and jalapeno pizza. It may not seem like the perfect pizza, but to me it is! See how simple that was? Why aren’t guys this easy to pick out?

Don’t get me wrong; I’ve tried my fair share of pizza topping, or in this case, dated my fair share of guys.  They always end up messing things up! They are either mean and hurtful or too nice. It seems I can’t ever find a happy medium.

Guys don’t understand girls, and if there are any guys that do, where the heck are you?

The mean guys I’ve encountered are only out for themselves and not the relationship. There have been cheaters or there are those who are emotionally draining. The first two explain themselves. As for emotionally draining, maybe I shall elaborate. Let’s call this a pizza with lots of spicy peppers and anchovies. Too hot and just plain gross.

I’m the kind of girl who knows what I want. When a guy can’t decide whether he wants a certain job or not, to move in together or just can’t pick a place to eat for the night, this makes me want to never eat pizza again. They can’t make any decisions. That is emotionally draining.

So get some balls for cryin’ out loud.

Some guys are super lazy. They have absolutely no motivation to live the life. By the life, I mean the awesomeness I bring to the table. They don’t want to go out, they don’t want to play in the park or even walk the dog with me. This is another thing that drains me emotionally.

As for the guys that are ‘too nice,’ where do I begin? How about with a plain ol’ cheese pizza?

These guys walk on eggshells. They do anything and everything I want to do. Sure, it’s great for a while, but what’s the fun in that? You want to go to the movies? Sure. You want to jump out of a plane? Sure. Can I dress you up and braid your hair? Sure. Do you get the picture?

Secondly, they are too gentle. They are scared to hold your hand. Some guys are even afraid to kiss you at the end of a great date. It’s not like I want to have a make-out fest on the first date, but if I haven’t gotten a good night kiss after two months of dating, I think there is something wrong with that. Some people call that respectable. I, however, call it lame.

It’s so easy to order me up the perfect pizza. Just the way I like it, every time. If it’s not right, I can send it back and ask them to correct it. I wish it were only that easy for a sister to get a guy. Order a stand up guy, funny, cute and with a decent job.

Sounds easy enough, but it’s probably the most difficult thing I’ve had to do in the last six years I’ve been dating. Then when I end up finding a perfect candidate, they decide to tell me, “Oh, I have a girlfriend.” This makes my stomach churn, like anchovies and onions.

Not all of this applies to all men and women, just me and a few of my close friends that share the same opinions.  

We often swap horror stories about the guys we’ve dated. Some of them make me feel much better. Most of them make me wonder what is wrong with the male species.

I know, I know. I’m still young. I can find that perfect slice, but I can’t always help but wonder if I should start looking for my second favorite pizza.

Not quite as good, but still acceptable. I feel I’ve worked too hard for the other things in my life to have to settle though. I think I’ll hold out for my favorite pizza.

By NIKKI FOUCH
Editor
bnfouch@ius.edu