In the LGBT community I am kind of young considering I have only been out since June of 2012.

On my 21st birthday I didn’t get super plastered because inside I was fighting an inner demon. Since I was a kid I had heard being gay was wrong, that I should I only want to be with a woman and while I have dated and even been engaged to some women, it never felt like what I was doing was right.

When I was 11 I had my first relationship — with a boy, and I liked it.

He was only using me for an experiment, but none the less I fell for him.

And things were awesome when we were together. However when our mutual friends were around, we had to hide what we did because neither of us wanted to be exposed.

I remember one night we were lying in bed next to each other and he whispered in my ear that what we were doing was gay. I couldn’t believe that so I shrugged him away.

A few short months went by and he got ugly with me; he used to force me to have sex with him by saying if I didn’t, I didn’t love him.

That turned out to be a bad relationship for me but love does crazy things, especially first love.

He eventually moved away and we stopped talking. To this day I haven’t heard from him. I have only heard that he is in jail for selling drugs.

At that age, I knew I didn’t want to conform to society and get married, have this nuclear family where I go to work and my wife stays home and takes care of my children.
I want a man, and not necessarily in that family form either.

I remember being at the mall with my friends in high school and while they were checking out girls I would be secretly looking at her boyfriend and felt horrible for it because I wanted to be like them.

For a large part of my life I hated myself, so naturally I hated everyone else as well.

In April of 2012 I went to an anime convention in Ohio and after a bottle of tequila and half a bottle of vodka, I was feeling really open and no pain.

I was sitting on a deck with two of my friends— chain smoking like a freight train— when I told them I was ‘bi-curious.’

That was the first time I ever told anyone.

Fast forward a few months.

I’m texting my ex-fiancee-now-lesbian-and-bestfriend (weird right?) and I started talking to her about my sexuality when she asked me if I was seeing anyone. That’s when it all came out. An hour later I was lying on the couch crying.

She was giving me encouraging advice about it, since she had been out for a while and knew kind of what I was going through.

I remember all the thoughts racing through my head — Will dad disown me? What will my friends do to me? HOW do I tell people that I’m gay?

I thought my entire life was about to change, and indeed it was.

But I thought I wouldn’t have my daddy’s support and I wouldn’t have my friends.

I remember my palms sweating as I had my phone in my hand, fingers hovering over my friends’ names.

Finally I made the first call, and then the second and the third and so on.

All my friends said they didn’t care. They just wanted me to be happy and I was relieved.

Next I had to tell my family.

Starting with my sister.

I call her outside and again, she didn’t care.

A few days later I took a good three mile walk around Clarksville and I called my mom and explained it all to her.

Again acceptance.

I never actually told my dad, but my sister has a pretty big mouth so he found out and also didn’t care.

I’m lucky in the sense that I didn’t lose any family or friends, but unfortunately a lot of LGBT people lose family and 1 in 3 LGBT youth are thrown into the streets by their parents.

Since coming out I have been told that I am a lot easier to approach, and I’m not as grumpy as I used to be.

Not to mention how fabulous I look now compared to then. 😉

My advice to any and every one struggling with sexuality is don’t be so afraid because whoever walks out of your life because of it isn’t worth anymore time, and those who stay are the ones you should cling to.

Though I do not recommend coming out like I did for everyone, because I came out like a wrecking ball. I burst that thing open and the difference is like night and day.

However — Come out, come out whatever you are.

We’re going to love ya just the same.

My experience this past year and a half has been an excellent transformation.

I used to be a caterpillar. Now I’m this big beautiful butterfly.

All because I was finally able to accept who I am.

Editor-in-Chief
jonesbry@umail.iu.edu