But I don't wanna leave

IUS Horizon

I’m graduating soon, and as much as I hate to admit it, I’m sad to leave.

The past 19 years of my life, I’ve been in school in one form or another. It’s eaten up hours upon days upon months of my life, and I’ve complained about having to attend it constantly.

Now I’m leaving, and I don’t want to.

I propose a solution: pay me to attend college.

It could be a new salaried position at IU Southeast. Let’s name the position “Campus Scholar.” Sure, there are lots of “scholars” on campus, but only one is designated as the official Campus Scholar, my dears: Yours truly.

I guess we could start out the salary at $40,000 and I could get raises based upon cool stuff I learn. Like, say I learn how to sew a quilt. That’s pretty useful, but I wouldn’t really say quilting is cool. Learning quilting would be like, a half percent raise. If I learned how to do something sweet, like dissect a chicken or create a debilitating virus, I could get a whole percent raise.

There could also be special bonuses for learning special skills. Personally, I would love to see a $1,000 bonus for acquiring James Beeby’s ability to wear awesome sport coats with turtleneck sweaters on any day of the year, Liam Felsen’s mastery of  all things Tolkien or Rebecca Carlton’s powers of expert speech and adorability.

It’d be amazing. Think about it. All I would do is go to class, learn awesome things, and take tests. Then I’d get a bunch of money for it. The other half of my job would be to go around campus, and tell people the cool things I’ve learned. Then, as a gesture of kindness, they could tip me for my expert advice.

I understand this position would be controversial, considering I’d be getting to do everything cool, and I’d be really smart and attractive. I’m sure a lot of men would envy me, because all of the women on campus would naturally be attracted to me and my big brain. It’s all right. I have a contingency plan.

Most people who are acquainted with me know I’m a huge fan of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” the amazing television program that features Sarah Michelle Gellar being awesome. It aired from 1997 until 2003. Simply put, it was the best TV show ever. Surely our humble readers remember “Buffy.” No? Make sure not to tell me that. It hurts me like a knife.

Anyway, we could start a new degree program in “Buffyology.” It wouldn’t require much work on my part, because I’ve already earned my doctorate in Buffy science. I would probably ask Beeby to teach “Watcher 101,” since he’s British, and all Watchers are British. Do we have any martial artists on campus? I could pretend to teach that, but I’m overweight, and would probably fall down a lot when instructing. We could get one of the goth kids on campus to teach vampire studies. The only member of my staff I would have problems finding would be someone to teach sorcery. On the television program, Willow, the resident magician, was a lesbian, so being gay would be a plus. I’m going for authenticity here. If you’re not gay, that’s cool though. I would welcome all.

Or I could turn campus into a year-round Oktoberfest with Bohdan Bochan and David Domine.

I guess the underlying piece of my argument is my lack of desire to leave. I feel as though I’ve been here for so long, I’ll feel empty without a little IU Southeast in my life. I’m really going to miss it all, even the people who pretend they’re living like the homeless, even though they actually slept in tents and ordered pizza.

Even people who hate The Horizon. Even the people who didn’t tell me I couldn’t get a student loan if I was less than half-time.

I’m not bitter.

Ian Hoopes