This summer was definitely the Summer of Facebook. I probably spent more time on Facebook in the past three months than doing anything else. A possible exception might be painting my house, which, of course, I chronicled on Facebook.

So, what’s a 40-something college professor doing on Facebook? Well, I always wanted to be a farmer and a gangster.

Seriously, as a professor who teaches mass communication, I needed to learn about Facebook and how people use it to communicate. I’ve walked by the computer labs on campus. Everyone is on Facebook. I’m not sure the computers on campus have been used for anything else in the past few semesters.

Here is what I learned.

RELATIONSHIPS

Facebook is a good place to start, renew or maintain relationships — which can be both good and bad.

I am friends with two of my ex-girlfriends on Facebook. That’s both good and bad. By “ex-girlfriends,” I mean women I dated for a significant amount of time. By “significant amount of time,” I mean months not minutes.

If your Facebook relationship status goes from “In a Relationship” on Monday to “Single” on Thursday, you were not in a relationship. That’s a passing fancy. I’ve had longer — and probably more meaningful — relationships with pots of chili.

And when did “Single” go from meaning “not married” to “not having a passing fancy”? Equating “In a Relationship” to the level of “Married” shows what little value we have in marriage and relationships. That’s sad.

Facebook needs a status area to let everyone know if we are looking for something new or not. Call it “Looking.” And then we can tell the world what our current relationship status is.

I know many people in relationships who are single and not looking. I also know married people who are not single but, unfortunately, are looking for some love. We can call that type of relationship a “Pitino.”

Oh, and those of you who think it’s cute to be “married” to your BFF, it’s not that cute. You’re not helping.

UPDATES

Facebook updates about being tired, stressed or hungry are not interesting. Grab some cookies and go to bed.

Song lyrics are not an update. That shows a lack of creativity, unless you quote Bruce Springsteen or Jackson Browne.

Mysterious updates — really appeals for comments — are desperate and sad. I believe Facebook needs to bring back “is” so users are forced to say what they “is” doing.

If you are boring and have nothing to update us about, make something up. Don’t let reality hold you back. It’s Facebook, not the confessional.

I’ve used updates for a variety of purposes this summer. I let my friends – more than 250 of them – know about a cancer scare in my family. If they are really my friends, they would want to know, right? It was nice to have the prayers of those who consider me their friend, no matter how they define “friend.”

I promoted a Summer Praise Festival at my church using Updates. I also used Events and Groups to do this. More people said they saw my updates about the festival than in the newspaper ad we ran three times before the event. As a journalist, this says something about newspaper advertising.

I have a frolleague — look it up — who uses his update to tell us what he is making for dinner each night. I love it. It tells me more about him than “why does love keep passing me by?” tells me about another friend. Perhaps you need to learn how to love first or how to cook or how to love cooking — whatever works. If love keeps passing you by, try tripping it.

While chronicling my painting adventures, I got a lot of good advice from friends’ comments. My favorite was to crack open a window so I won’t have more conversations with the leprechaun from Lucky Charms (he said the magic was in the foam-like marshmallows not the crappy cereal).

BECOME A FAN

Can someone really be a fanatic about air? I like air, especially clean air, but I wouldn’t say I was fanatical about it. Now, I am a fan of meatballs, especially meatball subs. That’s something you can get fanatical about. Air? Not really.

The fact you can “become a fan of becoming a fan” shows this is a stupid Facebook app. Just because you like something, like the beach, vacations or beer, doesn’t mean you need to join a club.

Poking is stupid, too. It basically says you know how to click a button. There are also some people you shouldn’t be poking, like family members and frolleagues. Send a Wall Post.

Stop sending me drinks. Am I supposed to lick my monitor? Drop by with a 12-pack of Diet Coke, and we’ll sit and talk.

Even better, stop by with Vault Zero. I usually can use the caffeine. A virtual drink only shows who your alcoholic friends are. Speaking of alcoholics…

ADDICTIONS

FarmTown

I don’t know why so many people are addicted to FarmTown. It’s like (Lil) Green Patch with carpal tunnel syndrome, minus the warm fuzzies you get for saving an inch of rain forest.

I’m at level 25. I’ve actually figured out what times of the day I can check in with my farm so I can plant appropriate crops. Grapes and raspberries grow too fast for my schedule.

I wish the animals did something other than wander around and make noises. Didn’t you want your farmer to eat the animal the first time you selected “Eat”? Me, too. I know you can sell your animals – and I do, immediately – but why can’t I toss a ball to my dogs?

PathWords

Each game of PathWords takes five minutes. I’ve played 462 games. That’s 38.5 hours. Those hours are not coming back. Time may be variable, but I haven’t figured out how to use that to my advantage, like allowing me to play more PathWords.

I’ve played to the point that I can make up words that count more often than they do not. Who knew “quai” was a word? I didn’t. It’s a structure built parallel to the bank of a waterway for use as a landing place. Got it? And “baff” is to strike the ground with a club in making a stroke. I never knew.

Farkle

I have a love-hate relationship with this game. I know its addictive power is in its intermittent variable rewards (I minored in psychology when working on my master’s degree), but I want to score more than 10,700. I’ve been so close.

I’m in sixth place among my friends. That’s five places too low. I need a new strategy or more chips.

I’m playing Farkle as I write this. I have a negative score. Just one more game…

So, the Summer of Facebook is over. What did I really learn? Facebook is better than a Demi Lovato album or a lost cow.

Back to Farkle.

By RON ALLMAN
Horizon Adviser
rallman@ius.edu