An expectation is the outcome one hopes for in a given situation. A lot has been said about unrealistic expectations and the pitfalls of having them, and I agree we should spend time examining our expectations to ensure they are in the realm of the possible.
However, I do not believe that unrealistic expectations are the cause of most problems. I believe unrecognized and unexpressed expectations are the real culprits and that they cause disappointment, drama and pain. I have experienced this in my own life, and witnessed it in the lives of others, often enough to know it is true.
Expectations can range from the mundane, such as a wife who expects her husband to take out the trash, to the more severe, such as an employer who expects employees to learn a new job with minimal instruction in a specific amount of time.
The expectations in these examples may seem reasonable and I think that they are. The problem in these examples, and in life, is not with the expectations themselves. The problem is that the people who have the expectations do not express them to others.
Equally at fault is the fact that most people do not even recognize that they have expectations.
Enter disappointment, drama and pain.
For instance, in the example above, the wife may have grown up in a home where her father regularly took out the trash. It this case, it’s reasonable for her to expect her own husband to exhibit the same behavior. Unfortunately, he may have grown up in a home where some other family member performed that chore, so it never occurs to him to do it.
The wife will become frustrated with her husband. She may begin to think that he doesn’t care about their home, that he is lazy, that he is uncooperative, that he doesn’t love her or any number of other things unrelated to reality. At first she may politely ask him to take out the trash, but as time goes on, she may resort to nagging.
She may eventually come to believe this is an insurmountable problem and reconsider her decision to marry him. All the while the husband is oblivious to her concerns. All he knows is that his wife has become a nag about something as inconsequential as trash. The problem, of course, has nothing to do with trash.
The problem is that she hasn’t taken the time to recognize her expectation that, in her experience, a husband takes out the trash. If she recognized this, and then expressed it to him, the situation might be diffused.
I’ve often thought that couples should regularly discuss their expectations. Does one expect the other to do all the yard work, make car or home repairs or handle the money? Does the other expect a big home-cooked meal every Sunday, with the entire extended family around the table, because that’s what Sunday’s were like growing up?
These examples may seem simplistic and cliché, but they are at least a starting point. I think if people honestly examine their expectations and learn to express them, over time they will get down to more important matters. And I think this is a good pattern to use in any relationship. I’ve used it myself and I know that it works.
In the example of the employer, the problem is not only lack of instruction for a new process, it is also the expectation of learning the process in a specific amount of time which the employer does not express to the
employee.
I’ve experienced this many times in the workplace. So often, in fact, that I have certain questions I ask whenever I’m about to take on a new job. I ask my employer specifically what is expected of me in the new position, and I ask how long it should take to become proficient at the task.
In my experience these questions often surprise the employer who had not recognized these expectations. The answers to these questions allow me to enter new work situations with less stress and more confidence, and to achieve greater success.
Near the end of every semester students are asked to participate in class evaluations. In these surveys we’re asked some general and some specific questions about the class material and the instructor. One of the questions I appreciate most is the one that asks if I knew what was expected of me in the class. I always take the opportunity to write a little extra about this question because I think it is so vital to success.
Recognizing and expressing our expectations takes practice, and may not always result in the outcome we have in mind. However, doing so allows both parties the opportunity to discuss the situation and decide if the expectation is realistic, achievable and in the best interest of all concerned.
In many cases the expression of an expectation may lead to a compromise, but in my experience that is vastly superior to the disappointment, drama and pain of an unfulfilled expectation.
By DARIENNE ARCURI
Editor
darcuri@ius.edu