Like everything else in life, nothing that is worth having comes without risk, and nothing demonstrates that tenet more than the fortitude it takes to lay the cards on the table to a potential love connection.

For those who haven’t given up on the chance at finding happiness with another person, the brutal reality is the cruel and savage nature of the dating scene, where all face the perpetual dilemma of how to effectively convey their interest or feelings to another person.

In many cultures, the bulk of this burden is placed upon the shoulders of men, who are expected to make the first move. To their credit, they generally do so valiantly.

Having only once been the first to express my interest to someone, and being turned down cold, I have a new respect for the gentlemen who soldier on after being denied, as I had never had the courage to do it before and will more than likely never do it again.

However, I also hold there is a right way and a wrong way to go about most things. Therefore, to you gentlemen in the pursuit of happiness in a relationship, I hope to do you a favor in the name, and hopefully with the approval of, womankind.

Gentlemen, when you see a member of our tribe who catches your fancy, please, for your sake and hers, do not use a pickup line. Women can smell your fear, and when you use a pickup line, it’s an instant repellant.

Since women are generally attracted to men who at least give the appearance of being genuine, nothing screams “canned faker” louder than a cheesy line.

Therefore, as a tribute to you gentlemen who do it right, and as a warning to those who still have much to learn, I’ve compiled the best of the worst pickup lines that are to be avoided like the plague should you not want to die alone.

The following ten pickup lines ensure the instant kiss of death rather than a kiss goodnight from any woman with sanity and self-confidence.

10. The Sesame Street. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.” Using this line, while proving you have the intelligence to know the proper order of the alphabet, shows that you don’t know much about anything else. Juvenile, at best, fellas.

9. First Contact. “Pardon me, miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?” This unoriginal gem is not only lame, but intrusive. I don’t know about you, but my mama taught me to not talk to strangers, and that includes giving someone I don’t know my phone number.

8. Lust at First Sight. “Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?” While confidence is attractive, being cocky isn’t. Are you more interested in me, or yourself?

7. Broken Wings. “Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” This one is actually scary. If you think that a young lady looks attractive just give her a genuine compliment. More than likely, your attentions will yield much more positive results than a line that sounds like something on the PAX network.

6. The Zodiac Killer. “What’s your sign?” If the asking gentleman actually had sufficient knowledge of the zodiac to know if our signs were compatible, he should’ve had the clairvoyance to see that we don’t fall for that one.

5. Run! “Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night.” Seeing that I don’t even know you, the thought of you perusing me in your head is creepy at best.

4. Do you see a red light? “Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?” Implying that the lady you are trying to hit on is a hooker is generally not received well. Just a thought.

3. Geography Class. “Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see.” Puns have always been lame and only have charm when your grandpa is trying to make you laugh when you’re five. It doesn’t work on the savvy modern women of today.

2. The Double Take. “You remind me of a girl I used to date.” Women have an insatiable desire to feel that when God created them, he broke the mold. If we don’t like seeing another girl with the same outfit, being compared to one of your past flings will hardly soften our hearts toward you.

1. I’ve given up. “Do you come here often?” Despite years of ridicule and persecution, somehow this feeble line has survived through the years and is still used by the world-weary hunter, whose quarry will perceive him as given up on attempting any spark or innovation to attract her.

So there you have it, gentlemen. Be yourself, be courteous, be confident and be classic. I wish happy hunting to you. While we may not show it, and may not be the easiest to catch, we’re looking for you, too.

By AMY FAULHABER
Editor
amfaulha@ius.edu