Every morning, I pour a tall glass of blue milk from Aunt Beru’s pitcher, and I think to myself of how much IU Southeast is like “Star Wars.”
I’ve been a student here for nearly three years. During all this time, there have been some times that have reminded me of those classic movies.
For example, The Commons is a lot like the Cantina on Tatooine. Think about it.
The Cantina’s music is way better, but there are all kinds of freaks sitting around.
The freaks I’m talking about are the ones sitting by themselves, looking at porn on their laptops.
I think I overheard one of them bragging about how he has the death sentence on 12 systems.
As for the Food Court, I’m pretty sure they had Womp rats on the menu the other day.
I’d much rather eat a taun-taun, which I think they’re adding to the fall menu.
Speaking of horrific food, one of the editors had some chili from the Food Court on Friday, Feb. 5. I think he’s going to be digesting it slowly for the next 6,000 years — just like the Sarlacc would.
Also, the doughnut outside of Crestview Hall, room 209, makes me think of “Star Wars.”
If you don’t know about it, some idiot threw a glazed doughnut just outside of that window and it’s been slowly decaying out there ever since.
Hell, I don’t even think the Jabba could eat that.
It’s not all bad. Trust me, there’s always a princess or two in the dorms that needs to be rescued from her burned bacon.
Wait — there are no princesses in the dorms. There might be some siblings that make out on occasion but no real princesses, even if their T-shirts say so.
Sometimes I am reminded of famous quotes.
Every time I walk past the administrative offices, I hear the wise words of Admiral Ackbar, “It’s a trap!”
Isn’t it eerie how the administration is like the Empire?
I mean, we already have a chancellor who one day hopes to rule the galaxy.
Also, think about how small the difference is between Chancellor Palpatine and Chancellor Patterson-Randles.
For what it’s worth, her chair reminds me of the Emperor’s throne.
I’m just sayin’.
If she had a battalion of clone troopers, I wonder what her Order 66 would be. Killing Scott Gillespie and me?
Or perhaps it would be to eliminate all Horizon staff members.
Yeah, probably.
Maybe she could hire “Bobo Fett.” After all, I think “Bobo” would make a great bounty hunter.
He can fly around in his flying wheelchair.
The man has only had nine heart attacks. He’s invincible.
Something, something, something Dark Side.
I remember simpler times. I would just bull’s-eye Womp rats in Beggar’s Canyon with my T-16.
Ah, memories.
Reading the billboards about how great this place is almost feels like being lied to by Obi-Wan Kenobi about Luke’s father. It’s kind of true but not so much.
Then there’s Seuth Chaleunphonh, dean of Student Life and acting director of Residence Life. I sometimes read his name as Seuth Chewbacca.
He doesn’t look like Chewbacca, but his laugh sounds like a Wookie growl.
The first time I walked into Crestview Hall, I said, “What a hunk of junk.”
Later, I learned Crestview Hall isn’t all that bad, despite all the junk in the hallway of the professors’ offices.
Walking down to see a professor, I am reminded of the trash compactor scene in “A New Hope.”
I halfway expect the one-eyed monster to pop out of a box of free books.
I thought IU Southeast smelled bad on the outside. Let me tell you about the inside. Let’s get out our lightsabers and cut a wall open. You’ll see.
If you haven’t been into The Horizon newsroom on a Friday night, well, you’ll never see a more wretched hive of scum and
villainy. You must be cautious.
I would reference the “Star Wars” prequels but IU Southeast isn’t that bad. At least not yet.
Give it some time.
Some people think I’m just a whiney farm boy but I’m a full-fledged Jedi.
Not just any kind of Jedi but a Jimmy John’s Jedi.
I’m freaky fast.
By JOSEPH DEVER